Do you know that? You have enthusiastically registered for a networking meeting. The networking meeting is known as excellent; They have more than 1200 members and organize a monthly event with appealing guest speakers.
In addition, you have already received advice from various entrepreneurs: “you really must go there, assignments for the taking and interesting contacts.” So you dutifully transferred the registration fee, and with a pocket full of business cards and, above all, a lot of gathered courage, you step inside.
You are greeted warmly at the door by the organizers. You are given a name tag, two drink vouchers, and the party can begin.
Moreover, somewhat tense, you walk towards the buzz, to “The Place To Be”, where, according to the insider, money is overflowing; you only have to pick it up. Like a frightened rabbit staring into the headlights of a car, you look into the packed hall.
Everywhere, groups of people are standing and talking to each other, usually animatedly and as if they have known each other for years. You look around to see if you spot anyone you know.
Furthermore, you are looking for your lifebuoy, and if there isn't one, panic sets in. What now? No lifebuoy! They hadn't told you that.
Drowning is not an option, so you have to look for another lifebuoy: a fellow sufferer. Someone who is also there for the first time and who, just like you, is trying to keep afloat by holding onto another drowning person.
Then, if you are unlucky, you talk to that fellow sufferer all evening and go home at the end of the evening with one business card; in my case, from someone who hired himself out as a chauffeur, complete with a white hearse.
Still handy when the time comes. Sound familiar? To more people than we dare admit, and a standard example of what fear of rejection can do to us.
“Fear is a bad advisor,” my mother used to say. Fear of rejection is, in any case, a very bad advisor. Let’s take a look at where it comes from, but especially at what you can do about it.
Also, before I continue: I am not a psychologist or therapist, and this article is anything but scientifically substantiated, but 'merely' the result of 40 years of experience as an advisor, salesperson, account manager, trainer, and coach.
Where does fear of rejection come from?
Everyone suffers to a greater or lesser extent from the fear of rejection. Few people go into town at night with the goal of being rejected 20 times. No one likes getting turned down.
However, in life, you naturally cannot prevent this from happening occasionally. It only becomes a problem when your fear of rejection is so strong that you start doing everything to avoid it at all costs.
Especially when initiating conversations with new customers and maintaining existing customers is essential for the success of your business.
In short, a lot of research has been done into fear of rejection, and therefore there is also a great deal of information available about where it comes from. Let me mention a few:
There are three main factors that lead to the fear of rejection: your upbringing, your character and the environment in which you grew up. These three factors influence each other.
Incidentally, children who are rarely complimented by their parents have a greater fear of rejection; not only as children but also in later life. Character can amplify or diminish the effect.
If you have a strong character, it is even possible that you are so incredibly driven that you overcome your fear.
However, your environment can have an inhibiting or stimulating effect; some social milieus prevent people from developing their full potential, while others do. Here, too, character plays an important role.
A prime example of this is Donald Trump. His father (German) and mother (Scottish) emigrated with their parents to the United States of America at a very young age.
That is why his father rose from carpenter to a ruthless real estate developer. They had five children, one of whom, Fred Junior, died of alcohol abuse at the age of 43 after a life of total failure, and the other worked his way up to become President of the USA.
You can't say that Donald Trump suffers from rejection anxiety.
After all, Maslow's theory. The above reasoning is supported by Maslow's theory, who described in his 'Universal Needs of Man' that every human being needs a sense of safety and security after birth in order to develop stably.
He still has that need when he grows up.
Nevertheless, if that environment is not present, a greater fear of rejection arises.
In addition, Maslow describes the third universal basic need, the need for belonging. We humans are social animals and like to belong; we like to be connected.
On the other hand, when that is present, a sense of satisfaction arises; when it is absent, you feel lonely and have the feeling that you are not worthwhile.
In short, it is not surprising that we as humans do everything we can not to be rejected. And the more negative our self-image is, the more we protect ourselves against that rejection.
Still, let's return to our networking event. You look around, searching for the right conversation partner to meet and then explore how interesting your product and service might be for that person. Your eyes scan the room. Your thoughts are working overtime.
Let me describe them briefly: 'those two men are just standing there having an animated conversation; it’s not polite to break in.' And… 'yes, that woman is standing alone, but how strange would it be if I walked up to her?'
'Or… 'that man is standing alone, but it looks like he is waiting for someone, should I approach him anyway?'
Alternatively, you muster all your courage and walk up to him. Just three meters away, and then suddenly another visitor pops up right in front of you. He shakes 'your husband's' hand amicably as if they have known each other for years. So, unfortunately, it could make you feel discouraged.
Yet it is your own beliefs and especially the fear of rejection that stands in the way of your success here.
In addition, research into non-verbal communication has also shown that people prefer to talk to someone who is confident and goal-oriented, rather than someone who acts insecure and aimless.
And unfortunately, it shows in your attitude.
Furthermore, but what now? The question is, of course, do you need and do you want to do something about this? The fear is apparently rooted quite deeply in your subconscious. This means that it is driving you without you really realizing it, causing you to blame others for your lack of success.
How often do you hear that telemarketing is pointless or that attending networking events is a waste of time? Blame is being passed, because there are actually entrepreneurs who are very successful with telemarketing and do a lot of business, or derive success from networking events.
As a result—the most important reason for this is—they overcome their fear of rejection and set to work purposefully.
That does require some self-confidence and a positive self-image. For conviction and belief in one's own abilities lead to a different physique and body language; and a different use of words that, in turn, leads to a higher conviction and belief in one's own abilities.
Likewise, it is a kind of vicious circle that you can break through positive thinking.
But how? The answer is as obvious as it is simple! Practice a lot. Practice makes perfect and improves the skill. Everything you practice or train will ultimately improve, especially if the method of practice/training is professional and safe.
At the same time, top athletes train intensively and based on scientific rigor, enabling them to deliver almost superhuman performances. Artists rehearse their performances countless times so that they are able to enchant an audience of millions with acts that, as an ordinary person, you would think are impossible.
And successful entrepreneurs also practice their customer approach skills countless times. Just until they are successful.
Finally, the difference with actors and top athletes is that they simply practice that in real life. Do they have no fear of rejection, then? Yes, they do, but it is in their nature that the satisfaction of success is so great that they are willing to brave the pain of rejection.
Now, not everyone is born with the character of, for example, Donald Trump, and more help is needed to get that far. By training or practicing skills in a safe environment, one experiences what it feels like to network or sell successfully.
Moreover, through training/practice, belief in one's own abilities and convictions change.
This, in turn, leads to a different choice of words and a different attitude. Training leads to success; Pieter van de Hoogenband, Sven Kramer, Kjelt Nuis, Mathieu van der Poel, and the late Johan Cruyff would fully endorse that.
Finally, born with great talent, a specific character, and the fear of rejection or failure.
Training has developed their talent, allowed them to experience how good they are and thus removed the fear, allowing them to show it when it really matters.
All in all, no longer that timid rabbit, but that self-assured lion who purposefully walks up to the two men at the networking meeting, asks if he can join them, introduces himself politely, and opens with the question: 'What brings you to this meeting tonight?'
The start of a lively networking conversation and perhaps two new clients.
Finally! Don't let your fear of rejection cause your talent and your success to go to waste! You are not doing anyone any favors, especially yourself.
There are specialized trainers and coaches in the Netherlands who can help you manage the phenomenon of 'rejection anxiety'.
First of all, author
Pieter Willemse
Trainer Coach at Kenneth Smit
[email protected]
06 - 51589627