Every professional knows that one conversation that has been on the list for days. A client needs to be told that a delivery will be delayed. A colleague needs to be addressed about an appointment that keeps getting postponed. A manager asks for extra work, while the schedule is already full. The conversation itself often lasts only a few minutes, while the dreading of it sometimes lasts a week.
However, it is usually less complicated than you think, and often it is even easier than expected. People are capable of much more in conversations than they themselves expect. They discover this as soon as they take the first step.
Why do we postpone difficult conversations?
We postpone conversations because delay provides immediate relief. The moment you decide to call tomorrow, the tension drops. That relief acts as a reward, causing you to postpone again more quickly next time. Meanwhile, the conversation in your head grows bigger, and often in reality as well. The delay for the client mounts further, and the colleague's irritation grows.
Procrastination has another effect. The longer a conversation is left unresolved, the more room your mind has to fill it with possible reactions. That filling is rarely positive.
Why do we often judge the other person's reaction too negatively?
We overestimate the other person's reaction because we are primarily focused on our own tension. Psychological research reveals a few striking patterns in this regard:
- People say yes more often than we expect. Whoever asks for something systematically underestimates how often the other person cooperates, sometimes by half.
- Conversations are proceeding more smoothly than predicted. We expect more awkwardness and silences than there actually are.
- The other person thinks more positively about us than we think. After a conversation, people underestimate how likeable the other person found them.
- An unpleasant feeling lasts shorter than expected. We overestimate how long a difficult moment will occupy us.
On top of that, the other person notices your nerves much less than you do yourself. What feels like a trembling voice to you often doesn't even register with the other person.
A practical exercise helps to adjust this perception. Before the conversation, write down in one sentence what reaction you expect. Afterwards, observe how the other person actually reacted. After a few conversations, you will see the difference automatically, and your assessment will become more realistic.
How do you prepare for a conversation in a small and concrete way?
Good preparation fits on a piece of paper. An extensive script often backfires, because you stick to text while the conversation takes a different direction. Three things are enough:
- Your goal. What do you want to know or have agreed upon afterwards? For example: “The customer is aware of the delay and we have a new delivery date.”
- Your message in one sentence. For example: “The delivery is delayed by two days.”
- Your first question to the other person. For example: “What does that mean for your schedule?”
Additionally, consider which reaction you expect most and what you will say then. One reaction is enough. Running through every possible scenario only makes the conversation bigger.
Finally, schedule when you will have the conversation and link it to a fixed time. “Tomorrow after the morning meeting, I will call the client.” Research shows that such a concrete if-then agreement with yourself significantly increases the likelihood that you will actually do it. You then no longer have to decide at the moment itself.
Which first sentence helps you get started?
The first sentence that works best states directly why you are calling or visiting. A long build-up increases tension for both you and the other person, as they sense that something is coming. A short, clear opening provides calm and immediately creates space for the conversation. A few examples:
- Informing a customer about a delay: I am calling you about next week's delivery. It is being pushed back two days, and I would like to discuss with you how we can handle that.
- Addressing a colleague: I would like to briefly discuss yesterday’s handover. I noticed that the outstanding orders were not listed. What is your view on that?
- Saying no to extra work: It’s nice of you to think of me. If I take this on, the project will be pushed back for the client. What is your highest priority?
- Report a price change: I am contacting you to inform you in advance about our new rates effective January. I would be happy to go through them with you.
These sentences have something in common. They are short, state the subject directly, and often end with a question. As a result, it immediately becomes a conversation rather than a statement, and the other person can respond.
What do you do if the conversation goes differently than expected?
If the conversation takes a different turn, you have already done the hardest part: you have started. A strong reaction from the other person is information, not a sign that you have done something wrong. Three things help to stay calm:
- Ask further questions. “What makes this so inconvenient?” That is how you hear what is really going on.
- Summarize. “If I understand you correctly, the main problem is the installation date.” This shows that you are listening, and often the tension drops immediately.
- Take time to think. “I want to take a good look at what is possible. I will call you back this afternoon.” That is professional, and it gives you and the other person space.
How does self-confidence grow in conversations?
Self-confidence grows by taking action and noticing that things are going better than you expected. Research into self-confidence shows that your own experiences of success are the strongest source, stronger than encouragement or explanations from others. Every conversation you have that ends well makes the next conversation smaller.
Therefore, start small. This week, choose one conversation that you have been putting off for a while, but that isn't the most difficult one. Prepare for it on a Post-it, choose your moment, and note down what went well afterward. The latter is important, because we mainly remember what caused friction. By consciously noting what worked, you build a realistic picture of your capabilities.
What are the benefits when employees approach difficult conversations with more confidence?
Conversations are held sooner, keeping problems small. Customers are informed on time where they stand, colleagues address each other directly, and agreements become clearer. Employees spend less energy dreading a conversation and more on the work itself.
Would you like to know what this could mean for your team? Schedule a no-obligation introductory meeting with Anja van der Wurff right away.
