Everyone knows them. Conversations in which a customer becomes irritated, a colleague becomes defensive, or an employee feels unheard. Often, those are precisely the moments when we want to initiate a conversation. We want to set things right, offer a solution, or ensure the situation does not escalate further.
Yet, it turns out that precisely then the chance of a good conversation is often surprisingly small. For as soon as emotions run high, it is not just the atmosphere of a conversation that changes. Something also changes in the way people listen, process information, and react. What was intended as a constructive conversation then easily turns into a debate in which viewpoints become more important than understanding.
Perhaps, therefore, the key to better communication does not always lie in responding faster. Perhaps a situation sometimes calls for the exact opposite: slowing down.
Speed is often overestimated
In the business world, speed is usually seen as a quality. Problems must be solved, decisions must be made, and questions deserve a quick answer. In commercial environments, there is an additional factor. Timing is important. Anyone who waits too long to follow up, identify risks, or discuss a proposal runs the risk of losing momentum.
That is also the reason why phrases like “Time kills deals” are so popular.
However, therein lies a risk. After all, not every situation calls for speed. The moment a customer is ready to make a decision requires something different than a conversation dominated by emotions. Anyone who approaches these two situations in the same way runs the risk of causing more damage than making progress.
Many professionals are trained to act. Fewer people are trained to recognize when not acting is the better choice.
What happens when emotions take over?
When people feel attacked, misunderstood, or frustrated, their attention shifts. The focus then lies less on listening and understanding, and more on protecting and reacting. In psychology, this is often explained by our stress response. Emotions narrow our attention, causing us to draw conclusions more quickly, be less open to other perspectives, and attach more value to being right.
You see this reflected daily in the workplace. A customer feels shortchanged and hardly listens to arguments anymore. An employee primarily hears criticism and not the intention behind the message. A colleague focuses on the tone of the conversation and no longer on the content.
The result is often that both parties work harder to be heard, while the willingness to truly listen actually decreases.
Why does procrastination sometimes yield better results than immediate action?
Within educational science, there is an interesting principle: strike while the iron is cold . This philosophy of Nonviolent Resistance & Connecting Authority assumes that important conversations are often more effective when initial emotions have subsided. Not because problems should be ignored, but because people are then better able to listen, reflect, and take responsibility. That principle proves to be surprisingly applicable in organizations.
A manager does not have to react immediately to an emotional outburst from an employee. An account manager does not have to immediately mount a defense when a customer reacts with frustration. A colleague does not always have to resolve a conflict the same day. Sometimes more progress is made when space is first created for calm.
This does not mean, however, that a conversation is avoided. On the contrary. It means that a conscious choice is made for a moment when the chance of a constructive conversation is greater.
Slowing down is different from avoiding
That distinction is important. Many people think that stepping back is the same as waiting or looking away. In reality, consciously slowing down actually requires control.
Anyone who postpones a conversation to avoid tension leaves the problem unresolved. Anyone who postpones a conversation to create space for a better discussion consciously chooses effectiveness. This difference is often reflected in the way people revisit a situation later. Professionals who handle this well do not let a topic disappear. Instead, they return to it precisely when there is room for a conversation again.
That often starts with questions like:
- What actually happened here?
- Where did the frustration lie?
- What made this situation difficult?
- What do we need from each other to move forward?
Those are different conversations than the conversations held when emotions are still running high.
Trust rarely grows in the heat of battle
Strong relationships are not built because everything always goes well. They are built by the way people handle difficult situations. It is precisely during moments of tension that the true strength of a relationship becomes apparent.
This applies to customer relationships, collaboration between colleagues, and leadership. People often do not remember exactly what was said during a conflict. They do remember how someone conducted themselves: whether they were listened to, whether there was room for their perspective, and whether someone was willing to take responsibility.
That is why effective communication is ultimately less about the right arguments and more about the right timing. Sometimes the best thing you can do is not persuade, solve, or react. Sometimes it is wise to take a step back. And to resume the conversation when the dust has settled.
What does this mean for your daily practice?
Every professional encounters resistance, frustration, and emotion. The question is not how to prevent these situations, but how to deal with them when they arise.
That is precisely where the difference often arises between conversations that stall and conversations that lead to understanding, trust, and progress.
Stan van Wersch helps professionals, teams, and managers communicate more effectively in situations where tension, resistance, or emotion play a role. In his training sessions, participants develop skills to listen better, hold constructive conversations, and maintain confidence when things get tense.
Curious how your team can become stronger in difficult conversations, conflict management, and communication under pressure? Stan would be happy to discuss this with you.
